In a recent post, I discussed the idea of acceptance. I received a great question from one reader:

Could you talk more about acceptance? What happens after I accept that my boss is passive-aggressive? I'm just OK with it?

I thought this question was worthy of a follow-up post.

Accepting reality is knowing you can not change it. It does not mean that the reality you experienced is your preference or that you will not take subsequent action. Acceptance is about finding peace within yourself.

Accept a situation first. This creates peace within yourself. Then take the appropriate action for yourself from that place of peace.

There are two things from my original post that I think could be better worded.

“When we accept something, we have no limit to our patience.” This may be better worded as

When we accept something, it no longer tries our patience. We recognize it as reality, and we can then choose what to do about it.

“Acceptance leads us to peace. Tolerance is holding back a fight.” I think a better way to say this is

Acceptance is what creates peace inside of us. When we accept something, we are no longer fighting reality. The fighting prevents us from experiencing peace.

As I said above, accepting reality does not mean that reality is our preference. By nature, we have preferences. I am going to use a simple example to illustrate the idea of reaching acceptance when reality does not meet our personal preferences.

I like coffee ice cream. Let’s say that I go to the store wanting to buy coffee ice cream, but they are out. If I stand in the store and get upset about not being able to buy coffee ice cream, I have no mental space left to make a decision about what to do. I am stuck being upset about reality not matching my preference. I can argue all I want about it not being “right” that a store does not have it, but the reality will not change.

If I can accept that there is no coffee ice cream at this store, I am making peace with reality. Then I can decide what I want to do next. I can buy another flavor, look for it elsewhere, or skip ice cream altogether. Action from a peaceful place is productive and allows me to move forward in life.

Without acceptance, I may lash out at the other patrons or even call the store manager for a chat about the absence of coffee ice cream. This is not productive and it does not allow me to move forward in life. This keeps me stuck.

You likely understand this simple example. Where some people get confused is when we start talking about a more emotionally-charged topic, such as the people in our lives and how they impact us.

Even in dealing with the people in our lives, it is still not possible for us to change reality. The people in our lives are who they are. I can not change my boss or my spouse, but I can decide what I want to do about my relationship with them once I accept them for who they are. Once I accept reality, I can choose to leave a situation or a relationship if that is what is best for me, or I can have a conversation with the other person about what displeases me. With acceptance, my action comes from a peaceful place instead of a place of frustration, which may cause me to lash out or make inappropriate comments in the heat of the moment.

I could keep debating whether or not it is “fair” that the store does not have coffee ice cream or that my boss is passive-aggressive, but as long as I debate with reality, then I have no room left to effectively decide what I want to do about it. This keeps me stuck in a situation that I do not want. Once I stop the debate and the struggle, I can take action for my own well-being.

What are your thoughts on acceptance? What other questions do you have?